I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Randomize
