Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
