Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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