I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
