just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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