In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
