just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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