Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I believe in your delicious
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
