this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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