You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
