i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
