i will never coherently bang her
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
