She is in my trunk
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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