Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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