I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
