So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
