there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
