for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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