Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
