i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
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Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
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DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.