he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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