8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
