if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.