My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
