Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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