He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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