Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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