just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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