My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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