Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
