i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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