shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
