I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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