You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
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I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
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He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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