I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
