the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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