I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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