I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
