Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
