i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
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Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
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She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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