My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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