the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
