Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
