I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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