Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
