White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize