I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
