Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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