sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
