I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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