I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Someone signed my nipple.
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