You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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