I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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