Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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