Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I enjoy the company of your penis
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