He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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