you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Randomize
