you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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