Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
