i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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