But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
