I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
