She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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