The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
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I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
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It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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