I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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